‘He drinks, keeps late nights’

Heart 2 Heart with Njigirl (Your problem solver) njigirl@hotmail.com

 Hi Njigirl,
 I love your column for educating young ones on how to solve matters of the Heart. I have been in love with a lady for more than year, but every time she will tell me about guys disturbing her. She always receives their calls, and when I talk she will get angry. But she always does what I ask of her. Please what will I do to unravel the situation because I love her too much? Thanks

 Hello,
 Compliments of the season! I am sorry that you are experiencing these issues with your girlfriend of one year. Your girl is with you because she probably cares about you but by the same token, her eyes are roving, looking for better or more fulfilling relationship. This is the reason that she responds to those “disturbing calls”. It does not appear that she has cheated on you yet but she has put you on notice given that she has acknowledged “receiving” their phone numbers and actually using those numbers. What you need to do is inform her in a non-violent way that you do not wish for her to answer calls from strange men who keep disturbing her. Get her to commit to you verbally first and then gradually by her actions.
 Dr. Nj

Good day Njigirl,
 I am a regular reader of your column. I must say that you are doing a great job giving advice on matters of the heart. I am 31 years old and madly in love with a girl of 22 years, and she loves me too. And she is ready to be with me all her life, but the problem now is that she just got admission in Ghana this year and we are planning to get married next year. My fear is that the school fees are on the high side. If I pay the dowry now, her parents will abandone the responsibility to me. I can’t afford the amount of money needed to pay the fees. Please advise me what to do. She is somebody I will be happy to marry. I don’t want to lose her and I know that she wants me too.

 • SAMMY, Dominican Republic.
 Dear Sammy,
 I sort of understand your realistic concerns but also recognize that you might be compromising your future happiness with a girl you love. The summation of the problem is this:our fiancée has just received admission to a college in Ghana. The fees are exorbitant. Since you are not married in your views, she is still under her parent’s financial obligations. Now here is the deal: if the admission is deferred for another year or two and you still go ahead with your marital plans, you will still be responsible for her when the admission comes up again, would you not? At that time she would already be your wife and you already vowed to take care of her and promised to care for her “until death do you part”.

 Secondly, Sammy, as soon as you both became engaged to marry, you have assumed partial responsibility of her upkeep. The only difference is that she still resides under her parent’s roof for several obvious reasons including societal pressure. So, in effect, do not allow the college admission fees to falter your dreams of spending your lives together especially now that you are ready. Do not allow money to become a stumbling block in your future plans. Instead, talk with your fiancée and clearly tell her that you want to go ahead with the marriage but that you are unable to do both the marriage and the school fees now. You may suggest that she defers her admission or enroll in a college that you can both afford. You may also suggest that she finds employment to subsidize your contributions. After this intimate discussion with each other, both of you can speak to her parent’s about the issues at hand. I suspect that they may ask you to continue with the wedding and find a different college that is affordable. If they are well off, they may ask her to enroll on their account while you prepare for the wedding. I believe in the power of prayer; why not bend down and table your dilemma to our gracious God; he alone has all the answers. Good luck,
 Dr. Nj.

Dear Njigirl,
 I thank God for the great job you are doing; may your days be long on earth. Please help me out of this problem. I am almost giving up; it’s urgent. I have this guy who has spent much on me and who loves so much that he hardly looks at other girls. He saw me through my university days. He provides all I need. He helps my family financially. He did all this because I accepted to marry him when he proposed but now that am through with my studies the love I have for him is gradually fading away. We have spent about eight years together as lovers. All through this period we abstained from having sex out of reverence for God. I loved him so much when we started, but now he is becoming lousy; he drinks more and keeps late nights. When I complained he told me that drinking helps him keep away from girls; that if he stops drinking he will be sleeping with other girls. So I have decided to quit but my family and friends could not let me go. They said that evil would befall me if I do not marry him cause he is so nice to me and he loves me. Truly he is a good man but he’s drinking habit pisses off. What do I do? I am worried and I don’t have any other man yet. I am 33 years;, please help me now.

 • NKIRIUKA
 Hello Nkiruka,
 I think that what you ought to be doing now, given all the circumstances, is to help your guy recover from his drinking problem. You owe him the obligation of being there for him as he was there for you while you received an education and upkeep. I do not believe that he resorted to drinking to keep away from having sexual relationships with other females. I believe that he has more troubles than just that. One of the problems might have been exactly what you are about to do; he probably harboured a deep fear of losing you as soon as you graduate school. He might have known all along that you are no match for him and that you will leave him when you no longer have need for him. How ironic that you are doing exactly that. At least, if you no longer wish to marry him, help him seek treatment for his alcoholic problem. Find a drug and alcohol counselor where you live and enroll your guy.

 In the meantime, re-evaluate your feelings for this guy and find out the exact reason you no longer care for him. Did you have an affair whilst in college? Did you cheat on him? Did you engage in sexual relations with someone else who has made your head shift a little to the wrong side? How do you quantify all the financial burden and contributions your guy bore for you and your family for eight years? Are you able to pay him back? I am not saying that you should be forced to enter into a “loveless marriage” just because of an obligation. I am saying that you should do the right thing by your guy considering all things. After he seeks treatment and recovers from his disease (alcoholism is a disease), have a deep and meaningful conversation with him to decide how both of you wish to proceed.
 Dr. Nj

Hello Njigirl,
 Thank you for a job that is being well done! My problem is complex somehow but I believe you have something for me. I am 30 years. When I was 23 years, I saw a girl I really love and the girl herself was 14 years. I tried to let her know I love her but she didn’t respond to it even after 6 years. I have also let her parents know my intentions, all to no avail. I have never fallen in love with another lady since then. I really need someone, but don’t know how to get someone who loves me. I have been having relations with prostitutes, but I don’t want to continue. My biggest problem is that I don’t how to approach a lady even do I admire her. Please help me.

 • WORRIED GUY
 Hello Worried Guy,
 Has she given you any reason for her refusal of you or that she just ignores you? You loved her when she was a child and of course you did not intend to date a child right? Now that she is old enough, have you really sought to know her, date her or understand her before talking about marriage? It is possible that she no longer sees you the way that she did at 14 years? After all she was a mere child at the time. Now that she is grown, her taste in men might have changed. Talk to her to find out where her views lie regarding dating men.

 It appears that you are so much still fascinated with your mental image of her when you were 23 years that you have not allowed yourself to love anybody else. Your problem might be that your feelings are not expressed in the right manner. You have to make your feelings known to the right person. When you meet a girl that you like, date that person and get to know her well. Relax on the talk of marriage until you are absolutely sure. Once you learn how to take things slow, true feelings will develop for someone you have a rapport with.
 Dr. Nj